i'm tired.
and almost depressed.
and a little worried.
and gah.
yes. i said gah.
umm...that's all.

fuuuuuuuuckkkk!!!!!

i totally went last night. in corpus. it rocked. a lot. lol. casey, steven, landon, kristen, and i. that was the group. we loaded up into steven and casey's parent's car and drove up. stood in line for like two-three hours before they let us in. got a fairly good spot. and the fun began. it started with an opener type band called (i think) audition for a murder. they were good. and then the real fun began. evaline was first. never heard them before, but i liked it. the singer was very energetic and the guitarist looked like an older version of a guy i work with, so that was weird lol. second was chiodos? i think. it's very possible i'll be getting things in the wrong order and/or forgetting a band. so if anyone went, correct me if i'm wrong. mkay, well, during chiodos' set, the singer said, "it smells like weed." to which he got screams and what not. then the hugest blunt i have ever seen got passed up to them, and he took a couple hits and passed it around the band. i dont think it ever made it back to the crowd. umm, anyways, they were really good as well. a guy in a bunny suit introduced them lol. um, and after that it was aiden. another good band. they were all good haha. and then saosin. go them. then it was 30 seconds to mars(<33333). i totally squeezed my way up to the front for that. i couldn't move like the whole time but i was as close to jared leto as i'll prolly ever be in my life, so i dont care. at one point, i was like 10 feet or less away from him. gah, he's gorgeous. anyway. after that, i made my way back to the group, minus casey, who had gone up towards the front somewhere as well and was nowhere to be found. the rest of us went off and sat down while the used took the stage, and i drank some water and we just sat and talked and listened to the used's set. met up with casey after and went to the bk lounge(burger king), ate and headed on home. all in all an awesome night, i'm leaving out tons of details, but hey. whateva. i bought stuff, it rocked, i got home at 2 am. end of stor:) i love you guys.

wow. i haven't posted since right after danny and i broke up. it's been like two months. and i won't lie. i was hurting. bad. i just very recently fully got over him. and sometimes i think i'm still not. but i'm getting better as each day goes on. realizing i'm totally fine with being alone. no love interest in my life. amazingly. anyways. enough about boys. basically, i've just been working and going to school. routine days. shit. i know i had more than this when i decided to post. but my headache is setting in. so you guys will have to deal with it. sorry. umm...i'll try and post more regularly from here on out.

we broke up. end of story.

and no, i dont wanna talk about it.

things with danny and i are slowly returning to normal. i've decided to ignore whatever problem i think we might have, and it seems to be working, for now at least. you guys dont have to tell me it's bad in the long run, i know. but that's about all thats been going on. and now, the pics, which wont load right if i try to link them so they arent all like bam! in the middle of everything, and i'm tired of trying to figure it out, so here they are. thanks steph:)

















and yes, there are two that are seemingly contradictory, but fear and death are my two greatest fears, so i figured why not have them both.

so it would seem i don't post much. i just never have anything to say. thanksgiving was good. ate a lot, hung out with my family, and even saw kim and danny. so that rocked. and yesterday, me and kim took a day trip to corpus. went to the mall, hung out, just a get out of victoria day. i bought a pair of pants. they're really cute. and green:) lol i'm so obsessed. and when i got home, i went to the show. felt i had to, as it was my brother's last. danny and jaime were there, and so that was cool i guess. then they left to go to schroeder, invited me along, and i declined. now you'd think i'd go because it was the only time i'd seen danny that day and i prolly wont get to see him today, and maybe not tomorrow. i dunno. but stephen's band hadn't played yet, and i wasn't about to leave without seeing them. so i didn't go. called danny on my way home, and he asked if i wanted to come over and hang out with him later. and i told him it depends what time he went home, and then he said he'd be drinking when he got home. and for some reason, that really bothered me. so i was like never mind, i'll just talk to you tomorrow. and i had told him earlier i prolly wouldn't see him today because i was hanging out with ciara and he has to work. and it didn't seem to bother him at all. normally he'd be freaking out if he didn't get to see me, but not anymore. i just feel like we're growing apart somehow. i really feel the need to talk to him, but i don't want to bother him. and after the whole drinking thing last night, i just broke down. i managed to keep it under control while we said good-bye, so i dont think he noticed, but after i got off the phone, the floodgates just opened. so i called one of the only people who can make me feel better no matter what. damian. and i talked to him for a good 45 minutes, and he made me feel a bit better. and i knew i had to go to sleep at that point or i'd call danny back and say something stupid, as i was over rationalizing things. and i've decided i'm not going to call danny. he's gotta call me. because i always have to call him. and i'm tired of it. if he wants to talk to me, he can call me. not that i don't want to talk to him, i do. in fact, i'm freaking out about last night. i'm crazily scared that he got super drunk and did something bad. but thats just my trust issues coming in. i have severe trust issues. gah. i'm so lame. but i have to end this now, as my dad is here, and we're going out to eat lunch. until next time, dear readers.....

or at least that's what ciara puts on my strawberry banana freezes lol.

anyways. what's been going on? because i haven't updated in forever and i'm sure many of you are anxious to find out what's been happening. nah, not really, i just like to fool myself into thinking that so i'll stop being lazy and update.

basically, this is what i've been doing: going to school, going to work, and hanging out with danny, with the occasional ciara hang out thrown in. not very exciting or unpredictable, but it works for me.

well, except now there will be less hanging out with danny and more of me finding other things to do. he got a job. i'm glad for him, but i'll just have to get used to working around both our work schedules instead of just my own. texas roadhouse - server's assistant. that's him. what is a "server's assistant", you may ask. it's just a fancy name for bus boy. haha. laaame.

soo uhh, yeah. that's about all interesting that's been going on. except, i did see the prestige last night. amazing movie, if you haven't seen it, go see it:) i <3 you all. until next time........

sooo, i was gonna post, but then i got really lazy as the page was loading. so a real post another day. woot!

danny.
he's the greatest.
je l'aime beaucoup:)

i hate people. they don't fucking listen. whatever man. what the fuck ever.

i fucking hate school.
end of story.

so guys, it's been a while since i've posted. umm, i dunno how long its been, so i'll just go back a ways and if you get repeated info, sorry! umm, i started working at gone bananas in mid august. first job, lovin it:) possibly because i work with some friends of mine, including the wonderful ciara(CNOG:D) i finally gave up on wanting to get back together with damian, partly because i found someone else, who on wednesday i will have been dating for 2 weeks. i know it hasn't been long, but he really does make me happy. if you want details about that, ask me, because i don't want to be posting my whole personal life on the internet for everyone to see. i got really really drunk a couple weeks ago, and i puked everywhere, and it was quite interesting. once again, ask for details. umm, i know this is short but i'm just making a basic update for now. i woulda made one sooner, but my computer hates me and wouldn't let me log in, but i finally got it to work, so ta-da. umm, i'll try and update fairly regularly from now on, just too keep everyone kinda updated on whats going on. you'll have to actually talk to me if you want the full details though, cuz i'm lazy and will most likely just be making basic updates. love you all. until next time.....

a lot of crap has been going on lately. i just dunno what to think anymore. everyone around me is changing, and i'm staying basically the same. i just don't know guys. i dont have anyone i can talk to. because no one would understand fully. i thought i had someone i could talk to no matter what, but she's just changed. it's really weird. i've known her for several years, and she remained basically the same until a few months ago. then everything went down the shitter. i just wanna get out of here. out of victoria, out of texas. just leave and go somewhere nobody knows me, so i can start my life all over again. new friends, new enviornment, new everything. somewhere where no one knows my past. so i could be whoever i wanted to be. i wouldn't be burdened by my current reputation. i could just start all over again. i just don't know what to do, what to say. i hang on to things i shouldn't. it's tearing me up inside. i hang out with people just so i don't have to go to sleep and wake up early in the morning to start another long day of confusion. if i stay up late, i can sleep longer, which just means that much less time dealing with everything in my life that bothers me. the only thing i have to look forwrard to is school starting again, which means i'll be busy with homework and hopefully a job. busy means less time to think. sounds good. well, i'm done for tonight. madeline out.

so i talked to sean, and he said i should make a post cuz he forgot a bunch. so here it is. enjoy!

( my trip, in full detail )

http://blackasia.livejournal.com/3454.html

go there. thats the gist of what happened while i was in austin. i'm too lazy to do my own, so thanks sean! yeah...drama out the fuckin ass, man. out the fuckin ass. eh, it happens though i guess, right? at least i made cassie not hate me:) soo, bye for now.

austin rocked.
sean's my  nig.
more details later.
i need some sleep.

umm...nothing really has been going on. just hanging out with damian. seriously, he is the best person to have come into my life in a long while. listen to me talk about him and you'll know:) i'm not trying to rub it in anyones face or anything that i'm really happy, i'm just letting you guys know what's going on in case you actually still care. uh yeah. if any of you guys wanna hang out, just call me up. i'm pretty much free all the time. except the 27th of this month, and july 12-19. i'll be outta town those days. umm, and hopefully in late july, steph will be coming down. i've got my fingers crossed. she's the coolest cousin a girl could have, so watch out bitches!! lol. i'll just try and get her to have some fun in this hell hole we call victoria. cuz there aint much to do here. *sigh* oh well!! one more year and i'm outie! yessss!!! lol. anyways, just a quick update cuz i'm quite bored. love ya guys. all of you.